Not Quite Helpless
by Trilies
Summary: As a school for magic, Hogwarts has always seen its fair share of odd students. Some, however, are always a bit odder then most. AU, X-over
1. All in the Golden Afternoon

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Kingdom Hearts characters, or the Harry Potter Universe. The former belongs to both Squeenix and Disney, and the latter to the ever-so lovely J.K. Rowling.

--------------------

Ah, another year of delightful schooling by their equally delightful teachers. Giving a casual roll of his neck, Luxord smirks somewhat. His hands, tucked inside his pockets, rub over the cold metal of rather illegally earned Galleons and Sickles. What a wonderful place Hogwarts was, and he meant that from the bottom of his heart. Was there any other place a lad such as himself could go and earn so much money from the unsuspecting sheep that called themselves students? And was it just him, or were the Gryffindors stupider this year?

"Oooooh, aren't _you_ all smug?" To any other person, the voice would sound like that of a beautiful siren, smooth, seductive, and hitting all the right tones. For Luxord, it's the sound of the Furies altogether, and he quickly freezes. Smooth hands slip up his body from behind, ruffling up his normally impeccable and neat black robe.

Infamous for his perfect poker face, Luxord just smiles as best he can and thanks Lady Luck that the hallway is currently, blessedly empty. Of course, not that anyone would blame him or think wrong of him for allowing those slender yet deadly hands for inappropriately groping him, one hand lazily going up his chest while the other reaches down towards his pants... And quickly robs him of his small bag of money he had stowed away. Cursing harshly in his mind, Luxord just keeps the smile, turning around as soon as the hands retreat. "Well, good afternoon, my dear nymph."

The ancient Greeks believed that calling the Furies by that name would bring their rage upon the poor mortals. Instead, they used flattery, calling those terrifying beings by another name: the 'Kindly Ones'. That's why any student who wishes their throat to remain un-slit calls the sadistic Larxene Sade a 'nymph' in her presence. The other Slytherin smirks at him, her lips pressing against the material of the bag. "Hey there, Lux. It was so mean what you did to those fleabags from Gryffindor." The bag jingles in her hand. "Taking all their hard-earned money." She giggles almost innocently, and Luxord resists the urge to wince. Oh, thank whatever omnipotent being in the sky that watched over him had placed him in Slytherin. Bless that Sorting Hat, even. To be a Gryffindor for all the years that Larxene was a Slytherin would have been a torment beyond imagination.

Surprisingly, he isn't concerned about the theft, even when Larxene slips the bag underneath her shirt and in a place that no person dared touch. It is their routine, after all. She stole something from him, he stole it back. Luxord has long since come to the realization that Larxene is just in it for the sport, and there is no threat of castration if he takes it back when she's sleeping. (Luxord Thorpe: The only boy in his year with facial hair and the one secret for getting into the girls' dorm. What the other boys wouldn't do to be him. )

In reply to her words, Luxord gives his best charming, 100% British smile that makes almost every other girl swoon and wish they'd joined Slytherin. "Why, my dear, you think so badly of me? It isn't my fault they fall for the easiest tricks in the book. Besides, you'd make them strip. Who's the devil of the two of us, then?"

"Oh, you flatter me," she coos, smoothly walking past him while running her hand across his chin. "Remind me why I haven't cornered you in bed yet?"

Without missing a beat or a step, Luxord replies, "Because I'm waiting for the chance to jump your attractive friend Marluxia."

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind a threesome," Larxene counters, her eyes narrowing slightly as she grins and twists around to face him, walking backwards.

As they turn a corner, a different voice interrupts their little game of words. It's layered with ounces of confidence but honeyed over with pleasantness and charm. "The only word I caught was 'threesome'." Sharp blue eyes sweep over them, and the owner gives a sly grin. "I do so hope I'm invited, you know." As Marluxia pushes away from the wall, Luxord has the feeling he's stumbled upon a rendezvous, which isn't too unusual. Larxene and Marluxia were Siamese twins in past life, is the common belief. Where one is, the other isn't far off.

With the practice of having done it a thousand times, they fall into step with each other, making their way down to the library through Larxene's guidance. "I can't believe Xemnas gave us work to do already," the blonde girl groans to her fellow Slytherins. "Freak. Y'know, if that rumor of Dark Arts teachers only lasting a year isn't true, I'll be more then glad to help it along."

Interrupting his best friend's bitter cursing, Marluxia queries, "Have the two of you seen this year's students?"

Luxord shrugs his shoulders apologetically. "Afraid I was somewhat late in arrival," he offers.

"A student fell down the stairs and I had to help him to the Hospital Wing," Larxene explains in such an innocent tone, both her friends know it to be something of a lie. Oh, yes, there is little doubt a student went to the Hospital Wing, but stairs? Well, perhaps they were used as a bludgeoning instrument.

Undeterred, Marluxia continues, looking rather smug that he has information they don't. "Well, it's a very interesting little group that's been rounded up. You won't believe what Gryffindor picked up this year. The boy's hair defies any sort of logic, goes by the name of Sor-"

By this point, they're quickly nearing the Library, and the halls are nowhere as empty as they were a few minutes ago. That means there's words other then Marluxia's to catch their attention. A prime example?

"Well, if it isn't the brat who cozied up to the Hufflepuffs." Luxord instantly identifies the voice as another Slytherin, and the trio's eyes lock onto a group not too far from the library doors. Surprisingly, it's not a Gryffindor or Ravenclaw who the other Slytherin group is attacking. Judging by the green and silver tie around the short boy's neck, Luxord knows him to be a Slytherin as well, his unfamiliarity sealing the fact that he's clearly one of the new students. "Having fun with those stupid losers?"

Around him, Larxene is looking hopeful for a fight, while Marluxia appears to be showing only the barest hints of interest. Fascination grips Luxord, however, and the blond gambler sizes up the short boy that's surrounded.

Dark blue-black hair falls over one eye, successfully keeping whatever emotions that are to appear riddles. The one blue eye that's visible is utterly piercing, showing nothing but pure apathy for the boy's situation. He seems almost bored and, in a way, superior. Clearly, he views these other boys as nothing more then pests. Luxord's eyes fall to the thick book securely wrapped up in skinny arms, and he, surprisingly, recognizes it. That's from the restricted area... Interest sparks inside of Luxord. Well, well. This was interesting.

As the other group continues to taunt the short boy (rather unsuccessfully, if his lack of reaction is any indication), Marluxia says in a low voice, "One of the new arrivals. His name's Zexion Kobayashi. I heard a rumor that the Ravenclaws practically died inside when they heard he was sorted into Slytherin." His mouth twists into a nasty smirk. "Shame they didn't do it for real."

"What's all this about a Hufflepuff?" Luxord asks, amused when the boy, Zexion, takes out a pocket watch and impatiently looks at the time.

Marluxia gives a thoughtful hum. "I have no idea-"

Then the library doors swing open, and Luxord feels his mouth drop. Besides him, Marluxia's words disintegrate into a quiet "Bloody hell".  
Larxene whistles, impressed.

Standing in the doorway is a giant of a boy, taller then anyone the trio have ever seen. A stoic expression is set on the redhead's face as he silently surveys the scene, his dark eye settling on the small group of formerly mocking Slytherins. Luxord belatedly notices they've gone deathly white at the sight of him, their eyes bulging.

Luxord can't blame them. The student (is that _really_ a student!?) has muscles that are clearly visible even beneath the black robes he wears. There is little doubt that the boy could crush any of them without breaking a sweat. The yellow striped tie is just a cherry on the whipped cream shock. This giant is a _Hufflepuff!?_

Finally, no doubt to the relief of the cowering and targeted Slytherin boys, the Hufflepuff's eyes move to focus on Zexion, who smiles smoothly and greets him. "Hello, Lexaeus. Have you finished retrieving the books for Professor Xemnas' assignment?"

Lexaeus, as the giant is apparently named, simply ignores the question, yet Zexion doesn't seem to mind. "Are they giving you any trouble, Zexion?" he asks, his voice deep yet quiet.

Almost absently, Zexion looks at the group that had surrounded him. Just like before, he doesn't seem to care about them. "Oh no, my friend," he says casually. "There's no need to concern yourself."

"You're never troubled by anything," a feminine voice giggles, and from behind Lexaeus, looking smaller then normal, a small blonde haired girl peeks out. A small smile lights up her face, and her pale blue eyes sparkle mischievously. She slips out from the library, more books, these much thinner even combined then the thick tome in Zexion's grip. "Would you like to study outside? It's really nice out today." She reaches up to adjust the red-gold striped tie that peeks out from her robe.

"Excellent idea, Namine," Zexion compliments. Luxord notices that the other Slytherin boys have been quietly trying to edge back and away, still pale at the sight of Lexaeus. This allows the mixed trio to come together quiet easily. "Shall we go, then?"

Leaving the slowly recovering Slytherins behind, the group begins to walk down the hallway, Lexaeus and Namine cheerfully talking with one another. What really gets Luxord, however, as he manages to shut his gaping mouth, is right before Lexaeus, Namine, and Zexion turn the corner.

With a cunning glint in his eye, Zexion pauses just long enough to glance back at them. Like a sly snake, his mouth curls into the most cunning, dark, positively _terrifying_ smirk ever seen on a Slytherin, and tremors slide up Luxord's spine.

Oh, that boy was going to fit right in.

--------------------

Author's Note:

So, what was this inspired by, you ask? (Or probably don't, but let me have my monologue, dangit. )

Well, I, for one, am going to blame my muses from Hell, Amber of Gaia and my friend Judy. This was inspired on our RP OOC board, when I got to discussing with them what houses certain people would be in. As this was mostly an O13 roleplay, the members, of course, were mostly talked about.

Thus, the Slytherin group and speckles of other Houses.

For the most part, I am content to let this be a one-shot. I have ideas for further chapters, but I'm not really motivated to do them. You are free to try and motivate me, 'tho. ;P

Anyway! Reviews and constructive criticism are both appreciated and adored.


	2. Hakuna Matata

Disclaimer: Don't own anything from Harry Potter or Kingdom Hearts. Alas, woe is me!

I really, honestly didn't think this would be as popular as it apparently is, but you guys proved me wrong. XD Anyway, thanks for your support, everyone. Coming up with the next chapter was fun and I hope you enjoy it.

I don't plan on this being a major project, since I'm preoccupied with writing Memories of the Broken. (Still need a beta for that, in fact. –hinthintnudgenudge-) Still, it will get fun little chapters every once in a while. I have a few ideas that should keep me going.

Now, without further ado, here's the second chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**Hakuna Matata**

The eccentricity of the Hogwart's staff was often what made them great. After all, it was reasoned, students didn't want some boring teacher. They'd just lose interest in their lessons and become a worse wizard or witch for it. Anyway... In the wizarding world, 'eccentric' was almost mandatory. Actually, 'eccentric' was the best of it! After all, certain wizards who won't be mentioned used to do rather inappropriate charms on goats. None of Headmaster Ansem Wise's staff did such things!

....At least, that he knew of.

Still, despite all their eccentricities, they were all good people. That, Ansem was sure of. He wouldn't have them any other way, to be honest.

Of course, that opinion only lasted until one of his dear professors came in ranting and raving. And it was always the same professor.

"-and not a day goes by that he doesn't make some sort of snide comment to me! He's the most arrogant example of a wizard I've ever met! In _my_ personal opinion, he should be expelled-!"

Ansem holds up his hand, gathering every inch of patience he possesses. "Vexen," he says gently, staring at the disgruntled Potions professor. "I can understand your frustration concerning young Marluxia Macmillan. However, from what I've heard, you're somewhat... extreme in your punishment of him." Vexen just gives him a blank look, and Ansem must explain further. "You took 20 points away from Slytherin because he blinked."

Immediately, Vexen flushes at being caught. Huffily, he crosses his arms and looks away, still brilliantly red. "It was a very insolent blink," he mutters.

Ansem almost laughs at the sight. Somehow, he manages to keep his voice as calm as always. "I've returned the points to his house, and I simply request that you do your best to ignore his... arrogance. You are a professor of Hogwarts and head of Ravenclaw. You are better then such petty things." By now, he's risen from his desk and walked over to the still flushing professor. As he lays a hand on Vexen's shoulder, he asks, "Now, can I trust you to keep your cool around him?"

Vexen gives a sigh. "I suppose I have no choice," he mutters, and gives a jerk of a nod. At Ansem's laugh, he looks up, curious.

"You could always quit," Ansem points out as he escorts his longtime friend to the door. Vexen looks properly scandalized.

"He'd win, then!" Vexen exclaims, enraged and flustered again. Suddenly, he seems to realize something and places his fist to his mouth. "Hm, but I suppose if I stay on... Ignore his ridiculous attempts... That would be a point in my favor, wouldn't it?"

"It would," Ansem agrees as Vexen leaves the office. "Now, I'll see you at supper." When he finally closes the door, he can't help but lay his forehead against it. Oh boy....

Behind him, a small wardrobe gave a small rock before one of its doors opened. Shaking his head and blinking, Luxord steps out. "Uncle, I hope you realize that they'll just start this whole bloody thing all over again next year." He pauses, and adds, "If we're lucky."

"I know, I know," Ansem groans, one hand passing over his face as he began to walk back to his desk. "What was it that happened last year?"

Somberly, Luxord replied, "Professor Malfoy dyed Marluxia's hair pink."

There's a small moment of silence between the two of them before the room is suddenly filled with laughter.

"Mad," a painting grumbles, glowering at the laughing. "Positively out of their minds."

The portrait next to it only chuckles good-naturedly, its blue eyes twinkling. "Come now, Phineas. There is no harm in laughter, only good."

'Phineas' gives a sniff, even as Ansem and Luxord's laughter slows to chuckles. "Perhaps," he admits sulkily. "But they're still insane."

* * *

Ignore Marluxia? Easier said then done, Vexen thought with a frown as he walked through the halls and back to his classroom. Still... Well, some one had to be better then that arrogant little rat! That's right. He was better; he was definitely better-

"Oi, Vexy! What's on your mind?"

Excitement and pride drained out of Vexen to be replaced by minor annoyance, and he sighed before turning to the speaker. A very short man with bright red-orange hair stood before him, grinning widely. His chin was in severe need of a shave, and freckles were splattered all across his face, although mostly on his nose. In the opinions of the students, he either looked like some small mammal or like he had a perpetual cold, minus the mucus.

He wasn't one of Vexen's favorite people, but the Potions master could still deal with him... On a good day. Vexen's gaze turned positively arctic as he said bitterly, "_Don't_ call me by that nickname, Timon. Honestly... Don't you have a gnome infestation to take care of?"

Timon just laughed and smacked him on his back, causing the blond to stumble forward with a small yelp. "Oh, relax. Fine, I'll be all polite." The gaze in his eyes turn mocking as he says, "Professor Malfoy, what doth trouble thou royal, stick-up-thy-rear self? Eh?"

The answer only receives an even icier glare then before, although Vexen finally relents. "It's Marluxia again," he grumbles, crossing his arms.

Timon promptly turns delighted. "Heh, hey, I remember that kid! Didn't you dye his hair pink?" An almost evil looking smirk spreads across Vexen's face, which causes Timon to give a loud guffaw. "Hoo boy, I don't think I've ever seen anyone that pissed! Yeah, I know that friend of his, Luxord. Plays a mean game of Hearts and his girlfriend is vicious as they come." He gives an impressed whistle just thinking about it before he runs a hand through his mess of hair. "Anyway, I wouldn't worry about the kid, Vex."

"I told you to stop-!"

"I mean, kids like him," Timon continues, ignoring Vexen's interruption, "it's just the way they are, am I right?" Shaking his head, he leans against the wall, next to an open window. "Makes me glad I'm just the groundskeeper. Anyway, like I was sayin', it's just how that kinda kid is, alright? The day a kid like that changes is the day pigs learn to play Quidditch."

Suddenly, a dark blur speeds through the open windows not two seconds after Timon has given his little speech. The two men stare at the chubby figure that's suddenly crashed into their midst. The man is somewhat tall, with something of a belly. Perhaps his most notable feature is the insane mess of hair on his head, an inane mixture of wild curls and messy dreadlocks. The black man pulls his broomstick up, and grins at them. "Heya there, Timon, Vex!" he calls cheerfully, waving with one tightly closed fist.

Timon turns to Vexen for a moment and jerks a thumb in the broomstick rider's direction. "An' Pumba doesn't count." Shaking his head, he hops over to his best friend. "Oi, Pumba! Aren't you supposed to be teaching the newbies about flyin'?"

"Yup!" Pumba grins as he lazily guides his broomstick over to the two. "We're learnin' about Quidditch right now! Figured I'd show them our ole Zazu, first." He holds out his fisted hand and slowly relaxes his fingers. In a snap, a Golden Snitch bursts out from its prison. It darts around their heads for a brief second before making a mad dash for the outside. Its escape attempt is halted, however, when Pumba's large dark hand encloses around it again. "Just about to head out again."

"Good, you can give me a lift," Timon says with a grin and hops on before there's any argument. "Tifa asked me to help her with some shipments, so just drop me by her place." Vexen can't believe that the tiny little broomstick can hold both Timon _and_ Pumba's weight, but it somehow seems to hold up perfectly fine. The two friends give a cheerful wave to the Potions professor before they zoom right out the window. Vexen shakes his head at the sight before he continues his trek all the way down to the dungeons.

There's some one waiting for him when he arrives, however, even though no students are to arrive for another five minutes. A young woman with light brown hair and a pale blue robe is waiting for him outside his door and smiles brightly when she sees him. "Hello, Vexen," she greets, and practically barrels into his arms. "How'd your talk with Ansem go?"

The sight of her always manages to relax him, and Vexen smiles at her for a moment before the memory of Marluxia promptly spoils everything. With a grumble, he pecks her on the corner of her mouth before he opens the door to the dungeons, where his classroom awaits. "Oh, as well as can be expected, Ella." Their arms loop together as he leads her down the steps. "I still have to deal with that little menace."

"Relax," she coos, and kisses him on the cheek. "I'm sure things will get better. After all, you have students you like, right? You talked about Zexion Kobayashi and Lexaeus Bête, didn't you?"

Vexen cheers up at this and nods. "That's right. They're amazingly intelligent, it's a shame that they didn't get into my house. Lord knows they would have been more then welcome. Now then..." He smirks at her. "'Professor Cinderwish', don't you have work you should be doing or sleep you should be using?"

She laughs and skips back, her hands held up innocently. "Already done," she beams. "I am from Hufflepuff, you know. 'Unafraid of toil', remember?" Ella folds her hands behind her back and twirls back to the stairs, humming a waltz under her breath. "Still, I should get some sleep. After all, I need to go to my class at midnight, and such." She gives a wiggle of her fingers at him, smiling lovingly. "Bye, Vexen." As he waves farewell too, she walks back up the stairs, still humming that silly little song of hers.

Unfortunately, it gets in his head. Fortunately, it keeps him in a good enough mood throughout the rest of his classes...

At least until Yuffie Kisaragi, a fourth year Hufflepuff, blows up half the classroom and sends three other students to the Hospital Wing. As soon as the rest of the class clears out, Vexen takes a look at the soot covered classroom in dismay before practically slamming his head against his desk.

_Merlin's Beard, why did I take this job?_


End file.
